If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
