some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
