I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
