Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
