whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
