I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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