I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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