Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
