Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Come share oat with me in your robe
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
