When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
