No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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