we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
