I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
