walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
