My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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