my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
