She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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