I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
