There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
