she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm both gender and math confused
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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