So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Randomize
