Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
