We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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