Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
