She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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