i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
