just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
