I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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