Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
