My sheets look like a crime scene.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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