I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
