I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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