Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
