remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
