Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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