I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
