i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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