he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
