So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
