Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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