The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
she told me i tasted like america
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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