Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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