I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
