Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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