It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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