bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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