this boner is exhausting
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
