Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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