From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
