Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
