I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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