Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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