what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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